Dear Doc,
I am sitting in my garden, drinking coffee and writing to you. It would be great if you were near me. I imagine you, sitting here, with your long legs crossed and with a cup of tea that you hold with your long fingers. In a very indirect way, I told you I like your long fingers. When you examined a lump on my arm a while ago for a few seconds you held my hands. I can tell you that was very nice and I feel butterflies in my stomach when I recall that moment. I know you are most likely at home now; this is your free day and during the lockdown I suppose you have to be at home. I am left wondering what you do and what you like? Do you like to sleep long in the morning or are you an early bird like me? I know you too little to guess what would be typical of you.
When I said to one of my married friends that I fell in love with a married man she asked me: “How could you fall in love with him when you know he is married? Is this interesting to you?” I replied, “I fell in love with a man, not with his situation.” It is not easy to be in love and have almost no hope at all that you will ever hold my hands just because you want to, and not because it is your job. I am aware that my chances are close to zero. Still, I am happy it is you. I think, having in mind such a gorgeous man as you are is worth much more than sharing reality with someone less special, less clever, less handsome, less gentile, less strong…
I give myself the right to be proud of you and to be worried for you in this time. At the beginning of the pandemic I told you that I was worried as at the time it was not clear how the NHS planned to protect their GPs. I am happy that you do consultations over the phone or video links whenever possible. It is not always possible and while waiting for the pharmacy I saw that patients still enter surgery. I tried to see you too. I know that I could be potentially dangerous to you, but I work from home and chances that I would get infected are relatively small. That was the only reason I dared to ask you for a visit in the middle of the lockdown. I understood why you said this was not possible. Strictly speaking, the main reason I asked to see you was simply that, to see you. I miss you, every day. There is not much I can do about that. I am happy I sent you one good mask and goggles from my laboratory. There is so much more I would do for you but for the moment I can only write these letters.
Hopefully you will read them, one day.
Take care my love and stay safe.
Kristina
Tuesday April 21st, 2020
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