To have or to be?
Over the years, Sara and I have developed a kind of routine on seaside vacations. We get up relatively early around 7-8 a.m. and go to the beach, while there is still no crowd. The mornings at sea are wonderful and it is a shame to oversleep them. We stay on the beach for a few hours, with occasional visits to cafes. In the middle of the day, we either go to the apartment to get some sleep or stay on the beach on deckchairs in deep shade, with a good book. This year Sara is reading some fantasy books, about 700 pages, and I admire her for carrying heavy books from and to the beach. In the evening we dress up and go to dinners at nearby restaurants. On vacation at sea I avoid cooking, if at all possible.
This summer, I chose a book I had read a long time ago, “To have or to be?” by German social psychologist and psychoanalyst Erich Fromm. Fromm says that "having and being are two fundamental modes of experience, which determine the differences between individual characters and different types of social characters."
Fromm analyzes many concepts in these two modes of possession and being such as knowledge, reading, faith, conversation, memory… but I was most impressed by loving. “Loving is a productive activity. It implies care, knowledge, reaction, affirmation, enjoyment towards a person, image, idea. It means reviving, increasing his / her vitality. It is a process of self-renewal and self-augmentation.”
About love for children:
“In the mode of possessions, the experience of love means restricting, closing or managing the object of ‘love’… What people call love is usually the misuse of words to hide the reality of their dislike… The question of how much parents love their children remains quite open. Lloyd de Mause said there had been so many reports of child cruelty in the past two millennia in Western history - ranging from physical to psychological torture, carelessness, pure possessiveness and sadism - so shocking that one must believe that parents who love their children as the exception, not the rule.”
About marriage:
"Whether the marriage is based on love or, like traditional marriages of the past, on social convention and customs, it seems that spouses who truly love each other are an exception. Social convention, custom, mutual economic interest, common interest in children, mutual dependence, and mutual hatred or fear are consciously perceived as love - until one or both partners realize they don't love each other and have never loved each other. Today, some progress can be made in this regard: people have become more realistic and sober and many know that sexual attraction does not mean love or that a friendly relationship, even if restrained, is an expression of love. "
About courtship:
“At the time of courtship, neither person is yet sure of the other, but each strives to win. Both people are alive, attractive, interesting, even beautiful in so far as vitality always beautifies the face. No person has another yet and therefore the energy of each of them is directed to being, ie to giving to another and stimulating the other. With the act of marriage, the situation often changes significantly. The marriage contract gives each partner the right to the exclusive possession of the body, feelings and care of the other partner. No one has to win anymore because love has become something to have, property.”
"This description is by no means to say that marriage cannot be the best solution for two people who love each other."
I don't consider these quotes "scripture" and I don't necessarily agree with everything, but in many things I have recognized either myself or some of the people around me. I find it interesting to read what a smart man and psychologist has to say about these universal topics.
Love,
Kristina
Saturday, June 18th, 2022
Imati ili biti?
Tokom godina Sara i ja smo razvile neku vrstu rutine na ljetovanjima na moru. Ustajemo relativno rano negdje oko 7-8 i odlazimo na plažu, dok jos nema gužve. Jutra na moru su divna i šteta ih je prespavati. Na plaži, uz povremene odlaske u kafiće, ostajemo nekoliko sati. Sredinom dana ili odlazimo u apartman imalo odspavamo ili ostajemo na plaži na ležaljkama u dubokom hladu, uz dobru knjigu. Ove godine Sara čita neke knjige fantazije od kojih svaka knjiga ima oko 500 stranica i divim joj se što joj se da nositi teške knjige sa plaže i na plažu. Navečer se dotjerujemo i odlazimo na večere u obližnje restorane. Na godišnjem odmoru na moru izbjegavam kuhanje, ako je ikako moguće.
Ovo ljeto ja sam izabrala knjigu koju sam već davno pročitala, a radi se od knjizi njemačkog socijalnog psihologa i psihoanalitičara Ericha Fromma “Imati ili biti?” Fromm kaže da su “imanje ibivstvovanje dva temeljna modusa iskustva, pomoću kojih se određuju razlike između individualnih karaktera i raznih tipova društvenih karaktera.”
Fromm analizira mnoge pojmove u ta dva modusa imanja i bivstvovanja kao što su na primjer znanje, čitanje, vjera, razgovor, sjećanje… ali mene se najviše dojmilo voljenje. Voljenje prema Frommu jest: “Voljenje je produktivna djelatnost. Ona implicira brigu, poznavanje, reagiranje, afirmiranje, uživanje prema osobi, slici, ideji. Ona znači oživljavanje, povećeavanje njegove/njene životnosti. To je process samoobnavljanja i samouvećavanja.” Svatko je voliko i meni se čini, svatko se u ovim riječima može prepoznati, barem iz neke životne faze.
O ljubavi prema djeci:
“U modusu imanja doživljaj ljubavi znači ograničavanje, zatvaranje ili upravljanje predmetom ‘ljubavi’…Ono što ljudi nazivaju ljubavlju obično je zloupotreba riječi da bi se sakrila stvarnost njihovog nevoljenja…Još uvijek ostaje sasvim otvoreno pitanje koliko roditelji vole svoju djecu. Lloyd de Mause je iznio da je u protekla dva milenija u povijesti Zapada bilo toliko izvještaja o okrutnosti nanesenoj djeci – u rasponu od fizičkog do psihičkog mučenja, nebrige, čiste posesivnosti i sadizma – I to toliko potresnih, da čovjek mora povjerovati kako su roditelji koji vole svoju djecu izuzetak, a ne pravilo.”
O braku:
“Bez obzira na to dali je brak zasnovan na ljubavi ili, kao tradicionalni brakovi prošlosti, na društvenoj konvenciji i običajima, izgleda da su izuzetak supružnici koji se istinski vole. Društvena konvencija, običaj, uzajamni ekonomski interes, zajedniči interes za djecu, uzajamna ovisnost te uzajamna mržnja ili strah svjesno se doživljavaju kao ljubav – sve do časa kada jedan ili oba partnera ne shvate da se ne vole i da se nikada ni nisu voljeli. Danas se u tom pogledu može zapaziti i izvjestan napredak: ljudi su postali realniji i trezveniji i mnogi znaju da seksualna privlačnost ne znači ljubav ili da uzajamno prijateljski odnos, makar i suzdržljiv, predstavlja ispoljavanje voljenja.”
O udvaranju:
Za vrijme udvaranja nijedna osoba još nije sigurna u drugu, ali svaka nastoji pobijediti. Obije osobe su žive, privlačne, zanimljive, čak i lijepe utoliko što životnost uvijek proljepšava lice. Nijedna osoba još nema drugu i zbog toga je energija sveke od njih upravljena na bivstvovanje tj. na davanje drugom i stimuliranje drugog. Činom vjenčanja situacija se često bitno mijenja. Bračni ugovor daje svakom partneru parvo na isključivi posijed tijela, osjećaja i briga drugog partnera Nitko više ne mora pobijediti jer ljubav je postala nešto što se ima, vlasništvo. ”
“Ovaj opis nikako ne želi reći da brak ne može biti najbolje rješenje za dvoje ljudi koji se međusobno vole.”
Ne smatram ove citate “svetim pismom” i ne slažem se nužno sa svim, ali u dosta toga sam prepoznala ili sebe ili nekoga od ljudi oko sebe. Smatram da je zanimljivo pročitati što o tim univerzalnim temam kaže jedan pametan čovjek i psiholog.
S ljubavlju,
Kristina
Subota, 18. lipnja 2022
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