I already wrote once that I was raised in an atheist family and that Christmas was not celebrated when I was growing up. But I don't feel like I was ever really deprived because I got almost all the features of Christmas, such as Santa Claus, presents, fine food and celebrations a few days later for the New Year. The religious category of Christmas has remained distant to me to this day.
However, in my youth I had a romantic vision of the mass celebrated in Catholic churches at midnight from Christmas Eve onto Christmas. The idea of that Christmas Mass seemed attractive to me, and so one year I went to Mass with my late friend Dubravka. That year, the winter was cold, and I dressed very warmly to go to church. I had the idea that churches were cold and without heating, but Dubravka took me to a fairly modern church where, to my surprise, it was rather warm. In addition to the fact that the church was heated, a lot of people came to the mass, so we all stood right next to each other in a rather large crowd. When the songs started to be sung, I felt that I was not only hot, but that I was getting dizzy, and I told my friend that I was going out. I remember that I started to make my way through the crowd of people towards the exit and the next thing I remember, I was outside, lying on the steps in front of the church. When I opened my eyes, there were two young priests in white with me and they took care of me and stayed with me until I got better. When I recovered, I walked home and told my ex-husband that I passed out in church. He died of laughter with the words "God recognized you, there is no place for unbelievers at midnight mass."
Unlike my family, my ex-husband's family was extremely religious, Catholic, but both he and my brother-in-law are scientists and atheists. They refused all Christmas customs, including going to church with their father on Christmas Day. I occasionally went to church for mass with my father-in-law and just last night I was talking to my daughter about midnight mass and her grandfather Ivan. If her grandfather Ivan were alive today, the two of us would certainly be keeping him company.
Kristina
Sunday, December 25th, 2022
Božićna misa ponoćka i ja
Vec sam jednom napisala da sam odgojena u obitelji ateista i da se Božić kod nas nije slavio dok sam odrastala. No nemam osjećaj da sam jako zakinuta jer sam gotovo sva obilježja Božića, kao što su Djed Mraz, pokloni, fina hrana i slavlje dobilava nekoliko dana kasnije za Novu Godinu. Vjerska kategorija Božćia mi je do danas ostala daleka.
Ipak, u mladosti sam imala romantičnu viziju mise koja se u katoličkim crkvama slavi u ponoć sa Badnjaka na Božić. Ideja te Božićne mise mi se činila privlačnom i tako sam jedne godine krenula na misu sa pokojnom prijateljicom Dubravkom. Te je godine zima bila hladna i ja sam se jako toplo obukla za odlazak u crkvu. Imala sam ideju da su crkve hladne i bez grijanja. Dubravka me odvela u nama blisku, prilično modernu crkvu u kojoj je na moje iznenađenje bilo toplo. Uz to što je crkva bila grijana, na misu je došlo puno ljudi pa smo svi stajali tik jedni uz druge u prilično velikoj gužvi. Kad su se počele pjevati pjesme ja sam osjetila da mi je, ne samo vruće, nego da me poprima slabost i rekla sam prijateljici da idem van. Sjećam se da sam se krenula probijati kroz hrpu ljudi prema izlazu i nakon toga se sjećam da sam se stvorila vani, ležeći na stepenicama ispred crkve. Kad sam došla k sebi uz mene su bila dva mlada svećenika u bijelom i oni su se brinuli za mene i ostali uz mene dok mi nije bilo bolje. Kad sam se oporavila odšetala sam se kući i ispričala svom bivšem mužu da sam se onesvjestila u crkvi. Umro je od smijeha uz riječi “Bog te prepoznao, nema mjesta za nevjernike na ponoćki.”
Za razliku od moje obitelji, obitelj mog bivšeg supruga je bila izrazito religiozna, katolička, ali i on i moj šogor su znanstvenici i ateisti. Odbijali su sve Božićne običaje pa tako i odlazak sa svojim ocem u crkvu na Badanjak ili Božić. Ja sam povremeno odlazila u crkvu na misu sa svojim svekrom i baš sam sinoć pričala svojoj kćeri o misi ponoćki i njezinom djedu Ivanu. Da je njezin djed Ivan danas živ sigurno bi mu nas dvije pravile društvo i on bi se sa nama ponosio.
Kristina
Nedelja, 25. prosinca 2022.
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