When I decided to start writing an anonymous blog nine months ago, in the form of love letters to my doctor, I shared my idea with only a few close friends. My Croatian friend, whom I will call here Katarina, who also lives in Cambridge, happily accepted it with words of support "It's great, you know I'm always up for something creative". On the contrary, my friend Ana from Zagreb reacted completely differently, she was very suspicious and questioned my decision.
Ana's issue was that I decided to write letters to a married man. She wrote a lot to me and I memorised one of her sentences "You will suffer, very much". I explained to Ana: “The chances of my Doc ever reading anything I intend to write to him are in reality extremely slim. The idea that through these letters I could influence him so that he also feels something like love for me is even less likely. I don't have the slightest moral dilemma on whether I would enter into a relationship with him, if he expressed an interest. After all, "In war and love everything is fair," and what I feel for him is love. But I am aware that he is an unreachable to me. Taking all this into account, my writing is what is truly important here. I am preparing myself to do something creative, that is what matters, along with what that writing can bring me, relief and inner peace. Do you understand now?” After I wrote something like that to Ana, she accepted my idea wholeheartedly. Starting with my first post, Ana is my most loyal and devoted reader. Her support means a lot to me. Through that writing, we have further strengthened our friendship that has lasted for almost a quarter of a century.
Unfortunately, the earthquakes in Zagreb and the pandemic brought Ana fears with which she has to face. I try to help her through conversations, but as with any trauma, it takes time for the injuries to heal. Ana is a hairdresser who works by wearing a mask on her face that protects her from the coronavirus, and a helmet on her head that would protect her from earthquakes. She doesn't even realize how brave she is and continues to work despite her fears that this unfortunate year has brought her. I want the bruises on Ana’s soul to heal as soon as possible, and I want both of us to get out of this paralyzed world into the world of human touches, contact, travel, encounters and free socializing. I am looking forward to our coffees in the wonderful cafes of Zagreb, which I have not stopped missing even after twenty years in England.
Love
Kristina
Thursday, January 28th, 2021
Ana I ja
Kad sam pred devet mjeseci odlucila poceti pisati anonimni blog I to u obliku ljubavnih pisama svom doktoru, svoju sam ideju podijelila sa svega nekoliko najblizih prijatelja. Moja hrvatska prijateljica koju cu ovdje zvati Katarina, sto isto zivi u Cambridgeu, veselo je to prihvatila sa rijecima podrske “To je super, znas da sam ja uvijek za nekaj kreativno”. Suprotno od toga moja prijateljica Ana iz Zagreba reagirala je potpuno drugacije, bila je vrlo sumnjicava I preispitivala je moju odluku.
Anin je problem bio sto sam odlucila pisati pisma ozenjenom muskarcu. Napisala je dosta toga i usjekla mi se recenica “Patit ces, jako”. Objasnjavala sam Ani: “ Sanse da moj Doc ikada procita ista od onoga sto mu namjeravam napisati su u stvarnosti izuzetno male. Ideja da bi kroz ta pisma na njega mogla utjecati tako da I on osjeti nesto kao ljubav za mene jos je puno manje vjerovatna. Nemam ja niti trunke moralne dileme dali bi se upustila u vezu sa njim, kad bi on pokazao interes za to. Na kraju krajeva “U ratu I u ljubavi sve je dozvoljeno”, a ono sto osjecam za njega jest ljubav. No, svjesna sam da mi je nedostizan. Uzimajuci sve to u obzir, naglasak je na bitnom a to je moje pisanje, kao I ono sto mi to pisanje moze donijeti, olaksanje I unutarnji mir. Jel sad kuzis?” Nakon sto sam Ani tako nesto napisala prihvatila je moju ideju u potpunosti I jos puno vise od toga. Od prvog objavljenog pisma Ana je moj najvjerniji I najodaniji citatelj, ona je medju prvima koja procita sve sto napisem I gotovo uvijek komentrira. Njezina mi podrska puno znaci I kroz to smo pisanje jos dodatno ucvrstile prijateljstvo koje traje … pa gotovo cetvrt stoljeca.
Nazalost potresi u Zagrebu I pandemija su mojoj Ani donijeli strahove sa kojima se uci nositi. Pokusavm joj pomoci razgovorima, ali kao I za svaku trauma treba proci vrijeme da ozljede zacijele. Ana je frizerka koja radi tako da na licu nosi masku koja js stiti od koronavitrusa, a na glavi kacigu koja bi ju zastitila od potresa. Ona niti ne shvaca koliko je hrabra I nastavlja raditi usprkos svojih strahova koje joj je ova nesretna godina donijela. Zelim svojoj Ani da se sto prije oporavi od stresova, a zelim nam obijema izlazak iz paraliziranog svijeta u svijet ljudskih dodira, kontakta, putovanja, susreta I slobodnog druzenja. Radujem se nasim kavicama u divnim zagrebackim kaficima koji mi niti nakon dvadeset godina Engleske nisu prestali nedostajati.
S ljubavlju
Kristina
Cetvrtak, 28. Sijecnja 2021.
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